The Brooding Strength Coach Commandments

09 Oct The Brooding Strength Coach Commandments

The Brooding Strength Coach Commandments

 

photoI can be a little opinionated at times. Those times are most times.  Too many people just accept the ignorance and weakness around them and it’s apparently against the law now to even mention this disease politely in company.

So, I’ve decided to institute some commandment on this here blog that no doubt no one will pay attention to or respect.

However, I will still speak my truths and stand unencumbered among men. These are my strength coach commandment, although many of these don’t necessarily deal with matters of the weight room but rather the silly type that frequent weight rooms and gyms from sea to shining sea, Amen.

Why yes, this is a rant.

 

 

1. Don’t accept the weakness you see around you.

Talk ridiculous amounts of trash to the whiney man children around you until they step up and become men or fall by the wayside. Yes, the reason for this post in the first place.

 

2.Don’t tell other people what your diet is like unless they ask you.

No one cares about your macros or that you haven’t had a carb since 2004.

If we’re at a restaurant together, eat something on the menu without telling me your opinion on the current state of nutrition or keep your mouth shut so that you don’t salivate on the table watching me eat my steak and whatever carb I damn well please.

 

3.Enjoy your food and drink, you’ll be dead soon enough.

A little redundant, yet necessary to state nonetheless. I’m through arguing the merits of red meat and the false accusations against it. I’m a grown man and will continue to eat my dead animal flesh and enjoy my fantastic craft beverages because I love them.

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If this sacrifices an extra visible striation in my chest, so be it. I’m not a bodybuilder…and unless you COMPETE in bodybuilding, neither are you.

 

4.Learn that taking an anatomy class or learning words like valgus does not make you a PhD.

Will someone tell me why young personal trainers feel the need to talk incessantly about correcting squat form — and nothing else — as soon as they learn that knees caving in is a bad thing? Avoid bringing your crusade into my weight room, sweetheart. This information, although new to you, is not to the rest of us and regurgitating anatomy terms does not make you sound smart.

You are the intellectual equivalent of a guy who nails two boards together and think he’s built a house. Please shut your mouth and spend some time actually practicing the practice.

 

5.Stop telling everyone how excited you are about “Leg Day.”

What does that even mean? You mean to tell me you only squat or deadlift once a week? This leg day of which you speak does not make you sound hardworking, it makes you sound like an idiot. I coach female athletes who squat or deadlift every time they come in the weight room, and probably lift more than you.

Disclaimer: competing bodybuilders are excluded from this commandment.

 

6.If you’re not preparing for an immediate competition, stop pretending like you are.

Refusing to go for a hike with some friends or on a long walk with your girlfriend because it’s “leg day” doesn’t make you sound hardcore, dedicated, or cool.

It makes you sound like douchebag… Nobody cares.

 

 

Go outside

Go outside

 

7.If you’re a male whose been training longer than 2 years, above 5’8” tall, weigh under 200 pounds, and aren’t lean as hell, you need to take a long hard look at yourself.

You’ve done absolutely nothing with your time in the weight room. If you don’t have enough muscle on your body to look lean and have an impressive mid-section weighing under 200 pounds, you need to get a coach or give up. And please no selfies of your skinny-fat soft body.

No one wants to see that.

 

8.Just don’t ever say — “But Is it functional?”

I don’t care what the context is and I don’t care if you’re bringing up a good point. You sound like a prick. Nothing inherently wrong with training functionally for a task, just something wrong with you and your general disposition.

 

9.Don’t tell people you wear sleeveless shirts to the gym because sleeves get in the way of all your hard work.

You’re not fooling anyone. I have no problem with wearing sleeveless shirts or tank tops for no reason but pure vanity. Just own it.

 

10.Stop acting like you’re waging an internal war for your soul against the prince of darkness before every single heavy set.

Focus is cool but we’re all adults here. You’re solemn stare at the ground has less to do with psyching yourself up for a new PR and more to do with getting people to look at you.

Am I the only one who values the guy who puts his head down and works every single day in the weight room without all the excess bravado?

 

11. Stop complaining about how sore you are

Telling everyone you know about how much pain you’re in because of your training is still complaining. Do you really think you sound less like a whiney little girl because you’re complaining about something you did to yourself?

Either shut-up about it or stop training. Nothing wrong with mentioning injuries and exceptional soreness to training partners to inform them of your limitations or ask for advice, but please stop limping around like you just got done fighting in the Battle of Thermopylae.

 

12.Wear short-shorts to train in if you have decent sized legs.

There’s nothing more to say about this.

 

13. If you don’t have the balls to gain weight, stop telling people you’ve done everything to get stronger

Young guys are too afraid of losing a little definition in their six-packs for even a month to ever eat enough food to gain some serious muscle or build some serious strength.

It takes balls to do everything you can in an attempt to be as strong as you can.  I personally only cared about powerlifting a couple of years back and did everything I could to ensure I was as strong as I could be in the lifts. That meant eating myself to over 290 pounds:

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Fat? Yes. Sweaty? Yes. Looking a little foo foo picking apples? Yes, but I was definitely strong and you wouldn’t have said anything to me back then about it… and my wife wanted to go apple picking…So there’s that.

Do I suggest doing this if you’re not a powerlifter? Absolutely not, but don’t tell me you’ve done everything you can.

 

14.Don’t refer to what body part you’re working when you tell others what today’s training consists of.

If you’re doing presses and some single joint work, tell people you’re doing presses with assistance work, not a “chest day.”

You mean to tell me that you’re taking one day to train one muscle? Next question — tell me why your “chest day” starts with a bench press which is a movement that involves a hell of a lot more muscle groups than the pecs?

Don’t have an answer for me do you? Ok, so we agree you don’t know what you’re talking about.

 

Thus it was written…

That’s all for now, but I have no doubt passion will move me again in the future to write an addendum to this.

Until next time.

 

Got any more commandments you think I should add? Let me know in the comments.

 

                                                                                                                                                           

Please do not put your URL in the comment text and please use your PERSONAL name or initials and not your business name, as the latter comes off like spam.(Thanks toTim Ferriss and  Brian Oberkirch for the inspiration)

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